Boys and Girls

In a favorite Salt Lake City shop, I recently found two books. The Boys Book, and The Girls Book. Both of these books carried the subtitle, How to Be the Best at Everything. The Boys Book is divided into chapters with titles like “How to Rip a Phone Book in Half” or “How to Do an Ollie.” The Girls Book has a decidedly different focus. Chapters include “How to Explain Why You Are Late for School” and “How to Make Your Own Luxury Bubble Bath.” My question for readers this week is this: Is it okay to treat boys and girls differently?


As an experienced educator, I realize that there are differences in the way boys and girls behave, how they relate to each other, and how they are affected by developmental changes. If one were to generalize about how boys and girls act, one might say that boys tend to be more aggressive, more competitive, and more prone to act out. Girls might be said to be more diplomatic, involved in complex social interactions, more eager to be friends with the teacher.


Whether or not we choose to accept these assumptions now, they were overwhelmingly present while I was growing up, and I sense that they are still accepted by a large segment of the population here in Salt Lake City and in many other places in the United States. I've seen many children live into stereotypes about gender--eight-year-old boys concerned with nothing more than monster trucks and wrestling and young girls who wear high heels to elementary school and are eager to let me know that more people would like me if I combed my hair-- But where do these assumptions come from? Are they valid observations about how children of different genders tend to act, or are we, in fact, observing the outcomes of pervasive social norms that are pressed on our children by the media, the society we live in, our families, and ourselves?


I think there is strong evidence that though boys and girls do develop differently on a fundamental level, they are also being pressed into rigid social patterns that tend to dictate how boys and girls are allowed to act... with far reaching and detrimental consequences.


I recently read a story about a 15-year-old boy being sent home from school for wearing a dress. School officials claimed it was distracting. No doubt it was. My own experience with wearing non-traditional clothing is that it usually garners some unwanted attention. In Kiribati, where my wife and I were stationed in the Peace Corps, men wore bees (pronounced bays) which were long strips of cloth wrapped around the waist. When I wear the traditional garment here, in the U.S., I am usually accused of wearing a skirt.


I don't think people mean to be biased. Probably they are simply taken aback by unusual behavior and can't help but comment. I'm sure it was the same reaction fellow students had when they saw their male classmate in a dress in the example above. Although it's natural to remark on unusual behavior, it seems, to me, that such a disruptive reaction may be an alarming example of just how closed off our society is. Boys simply do not wear girl's clothing... and they do not behave like girls. How often have we heard the insult “You throw like a girl!” or conversely “You smell like a boy!” Our children's behaviors are influenced by this sort of language without any conscious effort on our part as teachers or parents. And there are other, less harmless attitudes and behaviors that come out of this kind of thinking. A video commemorating the 17th anniversary of the violence against women act noted that in a 2009 study, 25% of sixth graders, boys and girls, thought it was “acceptable for boys to hit girls.” No one formally teaches an attitude like that, but it's one of the messages our children seem to be picking up.


Next question: Is there any way to break the pattern?


I think that children are not innately prejudiced, and it's up to us, as parents and educators, to make sure they stay that way. Here's one small example of a school that's doing it right. Playworks Coach Raven at Stansbury Elementary School relates this story.


When I first started working at my school, I noticed everyone enjoyed jumping rope--boys and girls. I had one 6th grade boy who really wanted to jump but did not know how. I spent time showing him how to do it and kept checking in on him when I made my recess rounds. By the end of recess he had it down. He came up after the bell rang and gave me a hive-five and a "Thanks Coach!" The next day at recess, I saw him teaching other students how to jump using the same pointers I gave him.


When I was in school, I would've been called some pretty bad names for jumping rope with the girls. No one, it seems, told this young man that “jump rope is for girls”, however, and for that, I say well done to Coach Raven and to Stansbury. It's small acts like this one, that have the power to turn things around. Keep up the good work.